Thursday, 29 May 2014

A Welcome and Riddles

A cad, a bounder and a fiend!
First a warm new follower welcome to Robert Audin of Fiends in Waistcoats - jolly good read!

When The Wife and I were on our travels the other week we naturally bought some books.  Mine was one discussing The Hobbit but her's was a study of Early English riddles.  My intention (and this shows how behind I got with the blog) was to post a couple of riddles each day this week.  But the problem is that they are seriously dull: they make "What have I got in my pockets?" look like Dorothy Parker.
Q. What is it that never was nor never shall be?
A. Never mouse made her nest in a cat's ear. 
Q.  Why drive men dogs out of the church?
A.  Because they come not up and offer and also because they shit on the dead. 
Q.  Why come the dogs so often to the church?
A.  Because when they see the altars covered they think their masters go thither to dinner. 
Q. Why doth a dog turn him thrice about ere he lieth him down?
A.  Because he knoweth not his bed's head from the feet 
Q.  What beast is it that hath her tail between her eyes?
A.  It is a cat when she licketh her arse.
Personally I prefer
Q.  What's red and doesn't fit in a fridge
A.  A fire-engine.
Good old Dennis


  1. I have to agree with the riddles the last one was the best of a bad bunch

  2. Q. Why do elephants paint their balls red?
    A. So they can hide in cherry trees

    Q. What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
    A. Giraffes eating cherries

    I have a whole stream of elephant jokes permanently ingrained in my brain thanks to a *cough* friend, but fear not - I will not post them all here

    1. But, I've never seen an elephant in a cherry tree...

    2. In Australia (many, many moons ago) our corollary to the 'hiding in cherry trees' riddle was

      Q: How did Tarzan die?

      A: Picking cherries.

  3. Excellent!
    my preferred one is also the last one !

    it's my turn

    1- Do you know how to put a fire engine in a fridge ?

    and also:
    =>Do you know how to put 4 elephants in a car ?

    1. 1) No.
      2) Two in the front, two in the back.

    2. Q. How do you get a whale in a Mini?
      A. Don't be stupid - there are 4 elephants in there already, it will never fit.

      (works better spoken)
      Q. How do you get two whales in a Mini?
      A. Straight down the M4

      I'll get my coat...

    3. for the fridge, it's quite easy :
      -open the door of the fridge
      -dump the contents of the fridge
      -put the fire engine in the fridge
      -close the door of the fridge

      for the elephants that correct !

    4. ... and :
      how do you put an elephant in a fridge?

  4. Ha ha! Love it!
    What's big and ugly and looks like a Gorilla?
    A Gorilla!

    1. What do you call a 20 stone gorilla?

      Anything he wants you to!

  5. How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?

    Just one, but the light bulb has really got to want to change . . . .


    1. Or

      1) No we can't change the light bulb, we haven't the budget

      2) It isn't the light bulb, it's the System that needs changing!

    2. Number one is probably truest of all. The horror stories I hear from Chris make even me blanch.

  6. Which period are these riddles from? Judging by the standard of humour, probably during the Black Death or some other fun-filled era.

    They don't seem to fit in with the earthier riddles of the Anglo-Saxons as seen in the 11thC Exeter Book.

    There's a definite progression from the early double entendres of Anglo-Saxon riddles (EVERYTHING is a dick joke, basically) through music hall, seaside postcards, and on to the guilty pleasures of Carry On films and the works of Benny Hill (of blessed memory).

    But these guys seem to have drained all the fun out of riddles as an art form.

    1. It was the Exeter Book that Sarah bought, but I couldn't find it last night. Obviously if I had things would have been different - I shall have a better look today.

      Instead, these are from 'The Demaundes Joyous' - much later than I suggested in the text of the post (1511) It's apparently based on an earlier French work but with the ruder bits taken out.

  7. Well that brightened my morning, I'm still snickering at the "cat when she licketh" line - what can I say it tickled me!

    What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?
    An elephant is grey.

    What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants in the distance?
    "Look! A herd of plums in the distance". (Tarzan was colourblind)

  8. Thanks everyone that made me chuckle, Great elephant riddles.

    Q. How can you tell when elephants have been having sex in your garden?
    A. your bin liners have all gone !

    1. Q. Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
      A. So they can hide upside down in custard

      Q. How do you know if an elephant has been in your fridge?
      A. Footprints in custard

      Q. How do you know if two elephants have been in your fridge?
      A. There's a used binliner outside

      Q. How do you know if four elephants are in your fridge?
      A. There's a Mini parked outside

      (I came back for my cap)


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